Weekend at Home

Im going to start listing my medications and doses on these posts so we can see how my thinking changes throughout my treatment.

Prozac: 15mg

Lamotrigine: 200mg

Olanzapine: 5mg

Levothyroxine: 350mcg

RTMS: 4 Weeks

I just finished my 4th week of treatment. I came home to Petworth and after unpacking my bag, went straight to my favourite walking place, Frensham Great Pond.

I spent the walk fighting off bad thoughts and trying to enjoy myself. I have walked here all throughout this awful illness, including when it was at its worst.

I slightly enjoyed the walk, but was still plagued with fear, brain fog and feelings of hopelessness

I cannot describe how awful this illness is, I am constantly terrified that I will never recover and that it’s not going to be possible to get better.

I ruminate all the time about mistakes I’ve made, past traumas and permanence.

I am so desperate to recover. The only way that I can keep hope in my mind is to listen to podcasts with a past patient of Dr Zamar, who recovered.

Every time I get terrified, I think of Dr Zamar and how he said ‘This is treatable!’.

The podcasts feature Tom Robinson who I have mentioned in a previous blog. He recovered after 20 years of hopeless depression. In the podcast he talks about some of the coping strategies to recover from the illness. One of the key ones that stood out to me was ‘patience’. I am clinging on to this, every time I feel bad I just say to myself, be patient, let the treatment work.

My life is in Dr Zamars hands, so I am leaving it to him.

George