Conversation with Dr Zamar
I arrived at my daily RTMS session yesterday in a state of panic. I immediately told the nurse that I was not feeling good and tears started to stream down my face. It is so lonely to battle this illness, it’s like drowning in a sea of negativity. I try my hardest every day to act ‘normal’, faking a smile even though underneath I feel like absolute death.
On this particular day, I had become overwhelmed and couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wept to the nurse and told her I was experiencing severe anxiety and feelings of hopelessness.
She could see the distress I was in, but wasn’t sure how to help me. She suggested I book in an emergency appointment with Dr Zamar after my TMS session.
I went in to see the doctor and sat down opposite him. He was a little surprised to see me in such a state as the last time we spoke I was in better spirits. He explained that this is a typical example of my mood swings.
He explained that I am suffering from agitated depression and turned his iPad towards me to show me a section from a book that outlined the symptoms.
Some of the descriptions of how it feels include: ‘I feel like I’m bursting inside’, ‘I feel a violent force inside me as if I want to smash everything.’, ‘I feel there are blades tearing through my guts.’
This really resonated with me as I wake up in the mornings with awful chest pains and indescribable anxiety that feels exactly like how it’s described in the book. I am actually experiencing this right now as I write this post and it lingers for most of the day.
It also goes on to say ‘In other cases, there is irritability or feelings of unprovoked rage’.
This makes total sense as I am so irritable at the moment, which is very unlike me. I explained to Dr Zamar that I cycle to the appointments from Kensington and if a traffic light stayed red for more than 10 seconds I would shout out in anger.
He immediately told me that I shouldn’t cycle at the moment, and in fact, I shouldn’t be exercising at all. He said that anything that is stimulating is going to be very bad for me whilst I am ill as this will exacerbate my symptoms and increase my racing thoughts.
Being in this agitated state is so brutal that it often drives people to suicide, I have to admit I have considered this at times but I haven’t ever made a plan or seriously considered it.
I told Dr Zamar that if this illness doesn’t go away, I would rather be sedated or live in a home for the rest of my life than die by my own hand.
Every time I tell the doctor that it won’t be possible for me to recover, he tries to remind me that this condition is treatable. I have to keep telling myself this and consider myself lucky as other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia don’t have such effective treatments.
Dr Zamar suggested that I speak with one of his patients who has had great results with the treatment, in essence, someone to mentor me. He spoke to his secretary who has now contacted one of the patients asking for consent for me to speak with them.
They are still waiting to hear back from the patient. I will outline my conversation with them in another blog post soon.
George
