The beginning

The picture below shows the last time I was well. December 2021.

What happened after this is almost indescribable.

I had been going through quite a bit of stress, I was unhappy at work and my relationship was strained. I found myself drinking more to escape, and I started to notice I was making very impulsive decisions both when sober and especially when drunk.

Some of the behaviour included: driving my car when I was way over the limit, almost falling off a roof at a friends party, being unfaithful to my long term girlfriend, to name a few.

The trigger

I was feeling very anxious about my behaviour, especially the cheating and eventually had to own up to my partner. This erupted in a total shit storm which involved her family getting involved and me feeling very threatened.

I started frantically googling, wondering what was wrong with me! Why did I keep behaving in this way with no anticipation of the consequences.

I trawled through ADHD articles, Impulse control disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder, until I hit the golden nugget: Bipolar Disorder!

On red alert, my eyes immediately scanned down the NHS websites page on bipolar disorder to the words: “Some research has shown the risk of suicide for people with bipolar disorder is around 15 to 20 times greater than the general population.”

This sent me in to a wild panic, I remembered that there had been suspicions of my Dad being Bipolar after he sadly took his life 10 years ago.

Then I read about how it is the most inheritable of all the mental illnesses.

I was in tears and panicking to everyone in my support circle: My mom, my therapist, my other therapist! I begged them to tell me I am not bipolar, I was so so petrified and convinced that I was going to die like my dad.

The depression

Having suffered through multiple anxiety attacks daily, my body eventually gave in and the nightmare started. In what felt like the flick of a switch I suddenly started being jerked awake by my body at 5am, I felt all the chemicals that made my brain work completely disappear, I knew what it was as soon as it hit, as there has been a long history of mental illness in my family.

I called my mom and sister in a panic.

After about a week I was desperately trying to patch things up with my girlfriend, all whilst my brain was erupting into darkness, we decided that we should go to the alps for a holiday to make up.

The entire journey to France was hell, I couldn’t concentrate, my entire brain felt like it was in a vice, my vision went to the size of a pinhole. And the worst of it, I had constant uncontrollable suicide ideation. It wasn’t like my logical brain had decided I wanted to die, it was simply a physical feeling.

I then tried everything to curb it, I would wake up with the most terrifying fear known to man every morning, traumatised by nightmares where I saw dead bodies hanging everywhere around me.

In attempt to get rid of it, I would run like mad up the mountain, then come back and meditate. But it was too late, my brain had gone in to self destruct mode.

I somehow managed to drag my self around the slopes with my family, in desperate pain but putting on a brave face.

Back to England

Having dragged myself back to England, things only got worse, we decided to get some anti-depressants in an attempt to fix me. With the information that I now know, this is the worst decision we made. This actually created psychotic symptoms for me, I was lying on the floor in my mums living room and I heard the voice of the devil telling me that ‘it’s time to die’.

Months went by like this, I forced myself to carry on, hoping that the anti-depressants would work, as they had worked so well for my sister. But things only got worse.

Dr Pereira

After months of suffering my Uncle suggested we go and see a Psychiatrist that a friend of his had recommended.

I got in to mums car, in absolute terror, but determined to get to the appointment, hoping this doctor would know what was wrong with me.

After 2 sessions and incisive questions about my family history, he hypothesised that there was indeed a family history of bipolar disorder.

He explained that he wasn’t convinced that I had Bipolar disorder, but the biochemistry problems in my brain where of a Bipolar nature. Specifically an excess of the chemical Glutamate, causing a whole host of my symptoms.

From here, he suggested I take a mood stabiliser, Lamotrigine. I had to titrate up in order to avoid the risk of developing THE RASH. A rare side effect that can be fatal.

Once I got to 200mg, I did notice an improvement, and thought that we had found the answer. A few more weeks on this medication and I would be cured!! Unfortunately this was not the case, as I’ll explain in my next blog post.

George